Asguardian Gods with Helmets
by flowerpower71
Summary: A Llama's with Hats parody. Thor learns the hard way that he can't leave his little brother alone for long periods of time. Rated T for heavy violence and gore.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is a crack, parody story that contains violence, dark humor, character death, mentions of beastiality and out-of-characterness. This story was written solely for amusement and is not meant to be taken seriously.**

 **Thor, Loki and all the characters mentioned here belongs to Stan Lee and Marvel.**

 **Llamas with hats belongs to FilmCow on youtube.**

 **Enjoy! :3**

It was another beautiful day in Asguard and the oldest Odinson son, Thor, was making his way back home after a long day of fighting alongside the Avengers.

"Loki? Brother, I have returned!" Thor called as he landed on the ground and entered the beautiful palace which he called home. His bulky figure walked through the grand halls and through the large spacious dining room but he paused mid stride as something...or rather someone, caught his attention.

"Odin's beard!"

"Hello brother." The smooth silky voice of Loki purred as he entered the dining hall to greet his older, adopted brother. Thor's hed whipped around gazing at the chaotic prince in alarm.

"Loki! There's a dead Miduardian in the dining hall!"

Yes indeed. Leaned up against the blood splattered wall was a human man dressed in a nice suit with blood splattered o both it and the wall behind him. His eyes remained open in shock, his mouth hanging open as well in a silenced scream. In his lap lay some type of blaster gun. His body was littered with various stab marks. If Thor had to guess it seemed to be about thirty-seven stab marks to be precise.

Loki merely glanced at the dead human. "Oh hey. How did he get here?" he asked faking surprise.

"Loooookiiiii! What did you do!?" Thor groaned. He really couldn't leave his younger brother alone for more than five minutes.

"Me?!" Loki exclaimed offened. "I didn't do this!"

"Explain what happened Loki!" the god of thunder demanded.

"I've never seen him before in my life!" the black haired god defended.

"Why did you kill this person Loki?!"

"I do not kill people! That is-that is my least favorite thing to do!"

"You once killed eighty people in two days!"

"...I'm adopted?" Loki shrugged grinning sheepishly.

Thor just glared at his brother. "Tell me Loki, exactly what you were doing before I got home."

"Alright well, I was upstairs."

"Okay."

"I was sitting in my room."

"Yes."

"Reading a book."

"Go on."

"And well this guy walked in." he gestured to the body. "And honestly I'm not even sure how he got to Asguard in the first place. I feel like we need to question Heimdal. Maybe he brought him here with a portal-"

"Do not change the subject, Loki." Thor interrupted not in the mood.

"Right, right, right, yes well, so this guy walks in."

"Okay."

"So I went up to him."

"Yes?"

"And I, uh, I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest...with my scepter."

"...LOOOOOOOOKIIIIIII THAT KILLS PEOPLE!"

The god of mischief's green eyes widened. "What?! Oh, oh wow. I just- I didn't know that."

"How can you not know that?!"

"I'm in the wrong here. To put it in adolescent Midguardian terms, 'I suck.'" Loki shook his head, feigning self disappointment in himself.

Thor opened his mouth to scold his green clad brother once more but stopped as he glanced at the body again and noticed something horrifying. "Oh gods."

"What?"

"What happened to his hands?"

"What's that?" Loki asked.

"His hands! Wh-why are they missing?!"

Again, Loki glanced at the body as if to confirm what he already knew. The body's hands were missing. Only two bloody stubs remaining in their place.

Loki hesitated before answering. "Well I uh...I-I kind of cooked them up. And fed them the Sleipner."

"...Looookiiii!"

"Well he was hungry." Loki shrugged.

As if on cue, the eight legged black horse trotted into the room letting out a happy neigh. Much to Thor's disgust he saw the horses muzzle coated in red.

"Neeeeiiigh~!" Sleipner bellowed and nuzzled his "Mother".

Loki smiled and scratched the horse under the chin. "That's a good boy. Tell your uncle Thor that your stomach was making the rumblies that only hands could satisfy~"

"What is WRONG with you Loki?!" Thor screamed at his wits end.

"Well lets see," Loki started off counting off his fingers. "I kill people, have sex with horses and feed hands to my horse/son so that's three things."

Thor groaned loudly and pulled at the long blonde hair that stuck out from under his silver winged helmet. He once more looked at the dead Midguardian slumped up against the wall. Why did he seem so familiar?

Thor narrowed his blue eyes and studied the man. In the left breast pocket he noticed something hanging out of it. Something that looked like a name tag. He went over and flipped the tag over, reading the name.

S.H.E.I.L.D Agent Phil Coulson.

Loki killed Phil!

"How am I going to explain this to Director Fury?!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Once again, this fanfiction has graphic depictions of violence and morbid humor. Read with caution.**

Most people like to go away on vacation. Some go on road trips, some travel to far away countries and then there are others who enjoy cruise ships, which is exactly what our favorite Asguardian brothers were doing...that is until-

"Loki! What on Midguard was all that?!"

The cruise ship in the background was alit with flames and tilted crooked as it slowly sank in the blue water below it. Screams of terror and cries for help echoed through the air and off to the side in a little yellow raft boat was the two Odinson princes and the eight legged horse Sleipneir.

"I'm not sure what you're referring too." Loki answered, looking at his older brother confused.

"You sunk an entire cruise ship Loki!" Thor exclaimed terrified. Oh when would he learn it was never a good idea to leave his brother alone?

The green clad god tilted his head to the side; a sly, innocent smile pulling at his lips. "Are you sure that was me? I do believe I would remember something like that."

"Loki I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face!" Thor exclaimed.

"That sounds dangerous." Loki mused rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"And then you started headbutting children off the side of the ship!"

"That uh, that must have been horrifying to watch."

"And then you started-oh how do the Midguardians say it?- making out with the ice sculpture!"

"Well thank Odin the children were not on board to see it." Loki responded simply.

Thor felt his blue eyes roll in their sockets and he rubbed his face when a flash or red caught his attention. He looked down and for the first time realized that the life boat they were in was splattered with red. "Uh, Loki? Why is the life boat all red and sticky?"

"Well," Loki said glancing down as well. "I guess you could say it IS red and sticky."

"Loooookiiiii, what are we standing in?" the blond Asguardian asked warily?

Loki hesitated before responding. "Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?"

"No, I would not believe that." the elder brother responded firmly.

"Melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Boat nectar?"

"No!"

"Some of Odin's tears?"

"Tell me the truth Loki!"

Loki sighed. "Fine...It's the lovely elderly man from 2B."

Thor's eyes widened in horror. No...Anyone but him.

"LOOOOOOKIIII YOU KILLED STANLEY!?"

"Well he was taking all the crosseaunt rolls!" Loki defended.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing." Thor mumbled, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach and trying not to look at the red in the boat.

Loki crossed his arms and stuck his nose in the air. "I will not apologize for art."

Thor opened his mouth to respond with "This is not art, this is homicide!" but his attention was drawn elsewhere when he noticed something unusual. "Where are the other life boats?"

Loki blinked and looked around. "Whoa, you won the prize. I did not even notice that."

"Where are the other lifeboats, Loki?!" Thor demanded.

The god of chaos did not respond right away. Instead he looked up at the sky for a long time. Thor opened his mouth to repeat the question for a third time when he got his answer. "Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean."

"Neiiiigh!"

"Sleipneir bit lots of holes in them." Loki explained, almost proudly and petted his dark horse."

"...LOOOOOOKIIII!"

"I have a problem. I have a serious problem." Loki admitted. Sleipnier nodded in agreement.

"You just...You are terrible today!" Thor blurted out. Honestly Loki has had his bad days but this was definitely in the top ten.

"Shhhhhhh~" the green eyed god shushed, placing a finger upon his brother's lips to silence him. "Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

Thor glared and swiped the hand away. "That's the sound of people drowning, Loki."

"That is what forgiveness sounds like." Loki nodded. "Screaming and then silence."

For the umpteenth time that day, Thor rolled his eyes. He looked around the blood splattered boat and grabbed an oar, tossing it to his murderous little brother. "Just shut up and row!"


End file.
